Coping

Checking in today. This blog always lingers in the back of my mind, and even though I keep telling myself I’ll write something, I often don’t. Is it that I’m getting older, or is it just that my energy drains faster these days? I promised I’d keep this space alive so I can one day look back and see how life was—even if it’s the little things. I’ve said it before, but it still feels true: so much has been changing around me. Am I getting older faster than I thought?

Lately, I’ve been struggling to manage my emotions and behavior. I haven’t been great at recognizing what stresses me out, or how to stop taking everything so personally. And let’s not even talk about how bad I’ve been at updating this blog! The truth is, my body often feels the stress before my mind figures out what’s going on. I need to work harder on this than I used to. The insomnia and obsessive habits have been bad recently, and I’ve been trying to figure out what’s causing them, but no luck so far. I mean, I have ideas, but I guess only I can truly know what’s up, right?

Bea leaving the office has hit me harder than I want to admit. I tell myself it’s fine, that people come and go, but it really stings. Deep down, I know it’s tied to my abandonment issues. Since she left, work feels miserable. It’s like I was abandoned again. I hate how emotional I get when someone close to me leaves, even if I know she will always be around—it’s just not the same. I guess I’m clingy like that, or maybe I’ve just got issues, or both. I don’t even know anymore.

My insomnia has gotten worse, and the OCD has taken over. I’ve turned the house upside down, buying random things I don’t need, waking up at 3 a.m. to clean when no one’s asking me to. I know it’s my body reacting to the stress of change, but I’m not sure I’m ready to admit what’s really bothering me.

I’ve decided to dive into studying again, this time for the Derivatives and Options License. It’s grueling, but it’s the only way I know to get back on track and calm the anxiety. So, here I am, stuck in chapter six, writing this post because I just had to get this out.

I have so much to say—realizations, books I’ve read, and thoughts I’m not even supposed to be having. But I’m taking it one day at a time. Hopefully, next time I write, it’ll be something positive.