Coping

Checking in today. This blog always lingers in the back of my mind, and even though I keep telling myself I’ll write something, I often donโ€™t. Is it that I’m getting older, or is it just that my energy drains faster these days? I promised I’d keep this space alive so I can one day look back and see how life wasโ€”even if itโ€™s the little things. Iโ€™ve said it before, but it still feels true: so much has been changing around me. Am I getting older faster than I thought?

Lately, Iโ€™ve been struggling to manage my emotions and behavior. I havenโ€™t been great at recognizing what stresses me out, or how to stop taking everything so personally. And letโ€™s not even talk about how bad Iโ€™ve been at updating this blog! The truth is, my body often feels the stress before my mind figures out what’s going on. I need to work harder on this than I used to. The insomnia and obsessive habits have been bad recently, and Iโ€™ve been trying to figure out whatโ€™s causing them, but no luck so far. I mean, I have ideas, but I guess only I can truly know what’s up, right?

Bea leaving the office has hit me harder than I want to admit. I tell myself itโ€™s fine, that people come and go, but it really stings. Deep down, I know it’s tied to my abandonment issues. Since she left, work feels miserable. Itโ€™s like I was abandoned again. I hate how emotional I get when someone close to me leaves, even if I know she will always be aroundโ€”itโ€™s just not the same. I guess Iโ€™m clingy like that, or maybe Iโ€™ve just got issues, or both. I donโ€™t even know anymore.

My insomnia has gotten worse, and the OCD has taken over. Iโ€™ve turned the house upside down, buying random things I donโ€™t need, waking up at 3 a.m. to clean when no oneโ€™s asking me to. I know itโ€™s my body reacting to the stress of change, but Iโ€™m not sure Iโ€™m ready to admit whatโ€™s really bothering me.

Iโ€™ve decided to dive into studying again, this time for the Derivatives and Options License. Itโ€™s grueling, but itโ€™s the only way I know to get back on track and calm the anxiety. So, here I am, stuck in chapter six, writing this post because I just had to get this out.

I have so much to sayโ€”realizations, books Iโ€™ve read, and thoughts Iโ€™m not even supposed to be having. But Iโ€™m taking it one day at a time. Hopefully, next time I write, itโ€™ll be something positive.

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4 Comments

  1. Hey there! I totally relate to that feeling of wanting to keep a blog alive but struggling to find the energy. It’s so real how changes in life can shake us up a bit! Sending hugs and good vibes as you dive into your studies! You’ve got this!! <3

    Lenne | http://www.lennezulkiflly.com

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