Motherhood

Since I got pregnant and gave birth, I pretty much abandoned this blog. What a shame, honestly. This used to be my little diary, my safe space on the internet. But I guess I’m in a new era now, and any tiny pocket of free time I get, I just choose sleep. Or at least lying down and staring at the ceiling in silence.

Having a baby is no joke. I have a whole new level of respect for all the moms out there, especially the single moms. This is hard. And that’s coming from someone who has so much support: a stable job with maternity benefits, a loving husband, and a supermom who will take over baby duties the moment I say “Mama, I’m tired.” Even with all that, I’ve struggled. So yes, you really do need to be emotionally ready to have a child. It’s not just cute outfits and baby cuddles. It’s a full-time emotional, mental, and physical job. We owe it to our kids to take care of our mental health too because they depend on us for absolutely everything.

When Pregnancy Stopped Being “Normal”

I’m not sure if I ever shared this here, but I stopped physically going to work in the second week of January. I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension. To be honest, I don’t even know if I already had high blood pressure before pregnancy because I never checked. I ended up being admitted to the hospital for three days and was strictly told by my doctor: no stress, no heavy work. So I took two weeks completely off work, then eased back in by working from home for a couple more weeks. I thought I was doing okay.

Then I had internal bleeding.

That’s when they told me my hypertension had progressed into pre-eclampsia. And just like that, I went from “high-risk pregnancy” to “you need an emergency C-section.”

The Night Everything Changed

On the night of February 20th, I started having really bad cramps. At first, it was tolerable, uncomfortable, but I thought, “Maybe this is just late pregnancy stuff.” But the pain kept building, and I couldn’t fall asleep no matter how I turned or propped myself up. At around 3 a.m. on February 21st, I went to the bathroom, half-asleep, and that’s when everything flipped. Bright red blood. Heavy. Not a little spotting. I immediately called my OB but he was out of the country. He asked if I still had my suppositories; I didn’t. So his next advice was to go to the emergency room ASAP. Thank God Health City in Camana Bay has 24/7 urgent care and a maternity ward. They took me in immediately. With the pain I was feeling, I was convinced I was already in labor.

The first thing they did was check the baby’s pulse. Hearing that little heartbeat was the first small wave of relief. She was still okay. The resident OB then check my cervix. Still closed. No one knew where the bleeding was coming from. That’s when they made the call: emergency C-section, for my safety and the baby’s.

Everything after that moved so fast.

“We’re Taking You to Surgery”

I wasn’t mentally prepared to be cut open that day. I thought I had weeks left. Thankfully, I had packed my hospital bag way in advance. I managed to video call my mom to tell her what was happening. I had full faith in the staff at Health City. They were calm, efficient, and there were at least 10 people in that operating room, all focused on keeping me and my baby alive.

They handed me a stack of paperwork to sign. Honestly, I barely knew what half of it was. I just signed. One of those forms gave them permission to do a blood transfusion if needed. (And yes, I did end up needing it.) My husband didn’t come into the operating room with me. We had already talked about it. He can’t handle the sight of surgery or blood, so he stayed right outside, waiting.

They gave me an epidural. It’s a type of anesthesia injected into the spine to numb the lower half of the body. The fact that they had to numb me before inserting the actual epidural needle was honestly scary. At that point, I just surrendered everything to the medical team.

Within minutes, I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down.

Blood, Fear, and Silence

While they were operating, I started feeling extremely nauseous. I told the anesthesiologist I felt like I was going to pass out. The next thing I knew, there was a blood transfusion happening. I remember being intensely thirsty. But the most they could give me was a bottle cap’s worth of water. I asked my anesthesiologist to hold my hand throughout the process. I was scared. I kept asking, “Is the baby okay?” because I didn’t hear any crying. Time felt so slow and so fast at the same time.

After what felt like an eternity but was actually about 30 minutes, I heard someone say, “Time: 8:31 a.m.” Then everyone started congratulating me. My baby is out! They took her to get cleaned and checked. She needed breathing support, so when they brought her to my side, I only had her with me for maybe a minute, just enough time to see her tiny face, before they whisked her away to the NICU.

Half the people in the room left with the baby, and I stayed behind, being stitched back up. I still couldn’t feel anything, but I remember the smell. It reminded me of the dental clinic… a kind of burning smell. I knew they were cauterizing and closing me up, but it was such a strange, detached feeling.

After surgery, I couldn’t feel the lower half of my body for about four more hours.

Recovery… and Meeting My Baby

They moved me back to my room. My husband came in with photos of our baby, and that was the closest I could get to her at first. She was in the NICU, and I couldn’t visit her because I couldn’t stand or walk.

I lost about a liter of blood, so every time I tried to stand, the world would spin and I’d feel like I was going to faint. I was basically bedridden for two days. It was intense! Physically, mentally, emotionally. The kind of experience that demands an equally intense recovery.

After those two days, I was finally able to walk to the NICU. That’s when I saw my daughter properly for the first time and heard her cry. That was the moment it really hit me: So this is what it feels like to be a mother. Kudos to all the mothers out there; for everything we’ve gone through, are going through, and will keep going through, for these little humans we love so deeply.

Life After Birth: No Pause Button

After I gave birth, everything felt like it was happening on fast-forward. I couldn’t sleep because I was constantly checking if my baby was still breathing. I wanted to be there every second, watching her, protecting her. Add postpartum hormones into the mix and… wow. That’s a rollercoaster no one can really prepare you for. You truly have to live through it to understand. No amount of stories or advice can fully capture what it feels like.

A couple of weeks later, my mom finally arrived to help us. Perfect timing, because our extended room/nursery had just been finished. Now my mom and my baby share a cozy little studio attached to our one-bedroom house, and they’re both comfortably settled there. It feels like such a blessing.

On top of all that, there was a mountain of paperwork waiting for me: birth certificate, immigration documents, passport applications, paperwork for the nanny we’re planning to hire… and because we’re also in the process of getting a new 3-bedroom house, there’s house paperwork too!

So if you’re wondering where I’ve been these past few months… that’s where. Somewhere between the hospital, the NICU, midnight feeds, anxiety, recovery, and a never-ending to-do list.

But through all the chaos, one thing keeps me grounded: thank God, everything is working according to plan for now. And slowly, I’m finding my way back here; to writing, to sharing, to telling my story. 🙂