This post is dedicated to my dear friend Bea, who has consistently been my pillar of support and a trusted confidant whenever I’ve needed someone to turn to.
Sometimes, I have this nagging feeling that I don’t fit in with the people I am surrounded with. I’m just a simple girl who once dreamed of being among the most intelligent and successful people in society. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve finally made it; other times, I wonder if I deserve to be here. There are moments when I feel like I’m trying too hard to fit in. I’m not sure if I’ve grown or if I’m just acting as the person I eventually want to become.
I grew up in a modest background in the Philippines. We didn’t have much, but we never had too little. We were just making ends meet, sometimes with a little extra, other times with a little less. Fifteen years ago, I aspired to work abroad, earn enough to live comfortably, and relieve my mom of her worries about bills. My mom always taught me that education was the key to achieving that dream. I didn’t have any specific goals or interests at that time. I wasn’t sure what I was passionate about other than K-pop (lol!). Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d say I wanted to become the Filipino version of BeyoncĂ©.
There were many highs and lows in my journey. I faced rejection several times in academia and my professional career. Initially, I thought I would become an accountant, but then I considered becoming an “economist.” Eventually, I became a salary woman working in one of the offshore banks in the Philippines. At that time, the BPO industry was booming. I was making enough, but I wanted more. I vividly recall a day when I rode a Pedicab to the bus stop only to find a long queue of people. The scarcity of buses meant that even the non-aircon ones were packed. After about half an hour, I finally found one bus with so little space. Sweating profusely under the scorching sun, I got on the non-aircon bus, standing closely with another Warrior in the heat, as all seats were already taken. I asked myself, how did we end up in this situation? How can a city of educated people not solve the problem with public transportation? How can a town full of college graduates be okay with this lifestyle? How can people work so hard under such dire conditions only to earn so little and pay high taxes? I knew I wouldn’t wait 5-10 years to save for a car just for a little bit of comfort. The urge to go after greener pastures became stronger with every inconvenience I encountered. Fortunately, my father was Caymanian, which I leveraged to pursue opportunities outside the country.
After waiting for many years, I finally got a chance to pursue my dreams. I took a leap of faith and left everything behind. I was determined to succeed, no matter what. I invested all my savings and took a huge risk.
It was just the beginning of a plethora of challenges I would face. I cried and felt resentful so many times I could no longer count. But there was one thing that I was determined to achieve – financial stability. I wanted to comfortably support my mom and myself and experience things that I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t afford. I wanted to buy nice things and not feel any guilt. I also wanted to enjoy what privileged people enjoy.
Fast forward several years, and I find myself in the exact place I’ve always dreamed of being. My aspirations have become a reality, though it has been a challenging journey. I’ve come a long way, and with me, I carry a wealth of experience.
Now that I’m in the so-called “high society”, I couldn’t help but feel left out. There are many things they talk about that I cannot relate to, but I see it as a learning opportunity. I’m constantly trying to fit in and adapt to their ways, but sometimes, I feel intimidated.
At a corporate dinner last night, I was the only Asian woman at the table. Everyone else was from the Americas, and I was the only one from the other side of the world. I couldn’t relate to half of the things they were saying. I don’t play any of the sports they do. I haven’t been to any of the places they’ve traveled to. I don’t know any of the cocktails they enjoy or any Michelin-starred restaurants they have visited. How was I supposed to join the conversation?
I felt so uncultured. It was awkward confessing that I spent my weekends on the couch reading Webtoons. At one point during the conversation, someone mentioned they never had to worry about visas and could go wherever they wanted. I couldn’t help but feel envious. I wonder what they would say about my Filipino passport, haha!
I know that it’s just my unconscious bias and cultural difference as well that makes me feel somehow inferior to them. As my good friend Bea says, I must learn to silence those negative thoughts in my head.
I am proud of the person I have become, and that’s all that truly matters. 🙂
